Life can be fickle when you're Average

So far, I have 3 blog posts sitting in my drafts that just didn't feel right to post. The words didn't match what I was trying to really say. Or, it was saying too much. I wanted to start from the begining of my story. To tell you all about the trials I faced and how I found my way out of them. But there was too much to say that didn't have the right meaning. To really get you to see what I was feeling through all of it. Have you ever tried to explain in words what a feeling you've had? It's hard. At least for me because my feelings are deeper than my words can carry. So instead of giving you a run down of all the times I felt my lowest, of all the times I've felt my heart broken, of all the times I felt more alone than any person should. I want to tell you about the time I found peace. About the here an now. The part of my life I'm in RIGHT now.

December 28, 2022 I moved to Kansas. It was early in the morning because it was going to be a long day of driving and Colorado Sunrises are the only reason to get out of bed early. Not even Coffee could top that majesty. So here I was, driving across the plains, away from the place I had called home towards my next adventure.

I should probably add the months leading up to this decision to uproot my family, leave my friends and my home was not taken lightly. A lot of thought and prayer went behind this decision. A lot of doors started to close that I kept open as reasons to stay. Life there was crumbling around us and no matter how hard we worked the hole we were in just kept getting deeper and deeper. I knew then it was time to go.

So here we are, driving towards the sunrise, drinking our Dutch bros, feeling the weight of this choice. And then... I crossed the boarder leaving Colorado going to Kansas and I felt peace. For the first time in years this wave of peace rushed over me. I'm sure that sounds crazy, but in that moment I knew through my soul this was the path I was meant to be on. That God had his hand on this journey and I was headed in the right direction. For the first time I felt happy. Like I could really do this.

For the first few months there was a lot of adjusting for me and the kids. Getting a house, work, schools, doctors, insurance and all the other adulting things set up and sorted out. The kids missed their friends, but were able to make new ones. The schools blew me away with how wonderful they were in my kids success. We started to really find a good flow. Of course there were ups and downs like everything in life. It was good though. We figured it out and made it work. Once things became settled, I started to feel the weight of the word "Why". I knew God brought me here for something, but why did he. Was it because I just needed some peace In my life? Was it because I needed to slow down from the hustle of big city life and enjoy the small town living? Was it to reconnect with my sister? I wanted an answer and I didn't know how to find it.

Then, one day, my mom told me about a Bible study book club she was going to start going to. She asked if I wanted to do it with her. A few days before the first meet I finally told her yes. Just felt this pull to do it. Go figure we were reading the book called "Restless" by Jennie Allen. Exactly what my soul was feeling. My life was starting to settle and I was feeling restless. I felt like I had more purpose, that God pulled me here for more than to help my mom raise my nephew, to reconnect with my sister and to give my kids some peace and safety.

So here we go. Week one of reading this book. Then week two, and three.. I'm sure you see where this is going... but every week we dig deeper and deeper into figuring out what makes us restless and what our purpose here is. What our passions are, what we are good at, what we are called to do on this earth, why we go through the struggles we do. It is hard. It's hard to go back and break down all those struggles. Those hardships. Those moments of being so alone, breathing was hard! Those moments you felt like everything was lost and hope was a placebo word that had no actual meaning. Those times that pain took the place of your blood and it was the only thing keeping you alive. We picked at those vulnerable moments and I realized, I wouldn't be who I am today without them.

Through this whole book we talked about Joseph. You know that guy who had a coat that had lots of colors. And lots of brothers who were jealous of him. If you don't here's a run down. Joseph had a dream one night that interpreted as his brothers and parents would one day bow down to him. His family thought he had lost it. So his brothers sold him as a slave to a man named Potipher, then told his dad he was killed by a wild animal. Joseph is now a slave in Egypt. One night Potiphers wife tried to seduce Joseph and he denied her. She went into hysterics and told everyone Joseph forced himself on her and he was imprisoned. So here's Joseph, who did nothing wrong, was falsely acused and in prison. Prison then isn't like it is now. There is muck on the floors, stone walls, limited lighting, dark depressing and cold. There's no doctors, no bunk beds. Your bunk mate is the rats that scour the floors. For 20 years Joseph lived there. After a decade, he met some prisoners who seemed upset about some dreams they had. Joseph asked them about it and God interpreted them through Joseph. One was told he would die, the other was told he would live and would go back to work. Sure enough, both dreams came true. Fast forward 5 years or so, the Pharoah had a dream about some cows pretty much nightly. They bothered him and asked so many to interpret his dreams! The man who Joseph interpreted his dream while he was in prison remembered what Joseph did for him and told the Pharoah. Pharoah sent for Joseph and he interpreted his dreams. Because Joseph did this, he was made Pharoah's second in command. Few years later Joseph's brothers came to see him to ask for help. None of them recognized Joseph so they had no idea who he was. They kneeled before him. Still not knowing who he was they were sent home to get their youngest brother and return. They did and he told them who he was. He rejoiced with them, reconnected with his father, gave them the best land in all of Egypt and made them wealthy beyond imagination. I don't know about you but if my brothers sold me as a slave that landed me in prison for 20 years, I would not give them the hay out of a cows mouth. The story goes on, if you want to read more it's at the end of Genesis.

So here's what I got out of this story... Joseph had a vision, a promise from God that his family would one day bow before him. He was mocked, told he was crazy, then sold as a slave. Meanwhile God has a checklist with Number one being I need Joseph in Egypt. Boom, he's in Egypt. Check. Now I need to make sure he knows not to give into temptation. Enter Potiphers wife. Check. Now he needs to learn to trust me, to be humble and let's throw in forgiving his brothers for putting him in this situation. 20 years should be enough. Let's give him a few rewards along the way, a few important people in his path and bam. Now he is right where I need him to be. Do you think every step he told Joseph before hand what he was doing. Nope. Because then Joseph wouldn't do the hard stuff. He wouldn't have the faith he has. His ancestry wouldn't be what it is. He wouldn't be the decendant of nations. God used every moment of Joseph's hard life to do something that was of a greater picture.

Now, back to the here and now. If you're still reading this, thank you. My hand has lost a lot of feeling but if you've made it this far, you can probably relate in some way. Or you wonder where this is going.

Joseph had a rough part in his life. I'm sure if you look back on yours, you have moments where yours was too. Your own metaphorical prison. I know I have. Times where breathing hurt. Times I fell to my knees begging God to tell me why? What I did to deserve so much pain. Moments I'm sure Joseph had. I realized something as I was going over those hard moments, it wasn't because I was a horrible person and deserved those dark times. It was because God was getting me to grow through the painful times. He showed me strength when I was a single mom and living out of a car. He showed me what true love was with each heart break over a boy and my worth. Every friend I lost, he taught me the value of friendship and what friend I want to be. Even when my own brother and I had a falling out, he taught me what it really means to forgive and that I can't fix everyone. Each hard part of my life I am greatful for because I would not be who I am today if it wasn't for those trials I faced.

Tonight at our weekly gathering for this book, we talked about our passions. I decided to share mine, because within finding your purpose you have to figure out what brings you the most Joy in your life. What lights the fire in your soul the most. For me, it's working with kids. I love working with kids. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child is the most refreshing thing. My own kids are the reason I get out of bed every day and not just because my daughter has learned to make the strongest pot of coffee on the planet, but because they are what brings light into my life. Going to work every day and getting to finger paint and play in the dirt. Sing songs. What a job right! Maybe not for you. Maybe serving people is what brings you passion, or designing clothes. Maybe helping people with their problems. Shopping, eating food, cooking food, gardening. The passions are endless and differ from person to person. My husband would never work with kids. That's not his passion. He is great with them, likes them, but at the end of the day, that would drain his cup rather than fill it. But it fills mine. Any way, kids, working with kids. That's my passion. So I was sharing about this with the ladies in group tonight and a part of this exercise was to share what would keep you from fulfilling what your passionate about.

For me, it's always doubt of being good enough. You see, I always saw myself as average. I wasn't the best singer or any musical instrument, never good at sports, I did okay in school, tried a lot of different things to find a place I fit but never did. I spent my a lot of that time in life comparing myself to others success and always came up average. That's my doubt stepping in. I didn't work well with other teachers and left job after job feeling less and less passionate about working with kids. Yet I still did. And still do. Right now I take care of my 6 month old nephew and have since he was born. In the fall I will work at the high-school as a Para assisting teachers with students who need a little extra love. Yet that doubt creeps in sometimes. That little voice that tells me how average I am. That I won't be enough, that it won't work out and I'm setting myself up for failure and I'll be back at square one all over again. I should probably quit while I'm ahead. The greater my doubt, the more I know I am right where I am supposed to be!

After I share all of this, my mom tells the group something that never occurred to me because I never saw it in myself. She said something along the lines of, "What she isn't telling you is that every kid she took care of, she also took care of the parents. She loved those kids as deeply as she loved those parents. She grew relationships with those parents. Made single moms who doubted themselves believe in themselves again. She took broken people and reminded them there's beauty in those breaks. Some of them used her, took advantage of her and she stood by their side with no care for any of it."

It shook me. I didn't know if I should cry, applaud myself or ask who on earth she was talking about because it sounds like me, but that's not average. Average people don't impact lives that significantly. Average people don't heal broken hearts and give belief to the unbelievers. Average people follow, they dont lead. Average people just do as they are told and blend in.

And yet, average doesn't move from their home to help their mom raise a baby. Average doesn't love so fiercely they don't see it as abusing kindness or taking advantage of kindness, more of a cry for help. Average doesn't show up at a friends house over a feeling. Average doesn't message a friend they never met apart from social media to tell them they are important. Average doesn't watch kids for free because you know the parent can't pay but they need to work. Average doesn't show up to court hearings for a friend you haven't talk to in years so she can get her son back. Average doesn't call the cops on her best friend because telling her she has a drinking problem and terrifies her children when she drinks isn't enough of a wake up call for them, then shows up to every court hearing and works with the DA to just get her help while she curses your name every day. Average doesn't do those things.

Now, since I've decided I am not average, that my passions are right where God needs me to be, that my spirit no longer feels restless in the sense of, what's next and more in the sense of when do we start. That maybe, when someone who tells me I'm an angel sent from heaven and a rare soul, that maybe they could possibly be right!

What about you? What brings you passion? Where is your journey going? What things that have happened in your life that got you to where you are now? How are you going to use your story, your passion to show love to those around you?

Before I end this post I want to say one thing to you. If you find yourself in a metaphorical prison cell. Where you see nothing but darkness, you feel nothing but aches and pains, you see no light at the end of the tunnel. Hear my words and take this into your fight. It is always okay in the end, if it is not okay, it is surely not the end! You will get through this, you will be stronger at the end, and it will be okay. You will be okay! Have faith, grow, learn and find someone who can show you some beauty in your breaking.